Friday, April 14, 2006

FYI: These Tables are Reserved

Oh last night was a night of champions. The pictures have been taken, the whiskey has been drunk, the stupid decisions have been made, and the DTR's have commenced per Conduct, or as I like to call her Dr. Phil. Conduct called it yesterday in the previous blog. She foresaw all of these actions taking place, and once again, Dr. Phil (The LOVE Dr.) was right. When will we ever learn that when we get drunk we spout off at the mouth? We confess our love, and our hate to about everyone at the bar. I think it is something in those famous Weldon Whiskey Drinks. Speaking of Weldon, and alluding to the title of the current blog we have to talk about something. Last night upon arrival to the bar, our tables that we always sit in right by Weldon's bar, had RESERVED signs on them. At first, I was disgusted, what trashy Hinds CC students have gotten a reserved table at the VooDoo Lounge??? But with one look from Weldon, I realized...Those tables...were for the bitches. That's right, we had reserved seating last night to conduct all of our affairs...or maybe it was because we were all guests of Dr. Phil. We might never know why, but we know that that is how the bitches roll.

Happy Hangovers Bitches!!!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR BLOG???

I'm not really sure, but I think that everyone has lost interest in the blog... Well, I think that it's time to bring it back! There truly isn't a better way to get this going than for me to make some of my ever - so - hilarious predictions for the night.

So it's Thursday and anybody that knows any of us is aware of the routine... Stay off Lakeland drive and surrounding areas because 8 - 10 girls are frantically driving home from work just to get showered and put on their jeans and bar shirts to make the 8:45 sprint to Mardi Gras to throw the victory flag upon our favorite table right next to Weldon our favorite drink-maker. Shortly thereafter, Jim is served and usually 2 drinks in a bunch of girls start to let their inner Beyonce out and mingle around the dance floor to classy music like "I'm in Love with a Stripper". Let's take a step back and make some predictions based on prior events... *DISCLAIMER: If you think that you might get mad or get your feelings hurt DO NOT SCROLL DOWN! I'm about to make fun of us all!!!!

1. Who is going to be the first girl to run across the bar and flail around the table yelling, "Over here!!! I got one!!!" I mean it's not like we're out hunting or something. I'm not sure if anyone noticed but me, but last week we flew in that place on Saturday night like a bunch of rich girls going to a sale at Neiman Marcus. Maybe we got a little too excited...

2. Which new dance moves are Beyonce and Kelly gonna bring out this week??? We've talked about it and decided that we are currently holding auditions for the new Michelle. Get ready for a killer dance-off

3. Which brings me to my next question... Who got the memo telling us that it was okay for us to grind on each other??? There have been instances where for a brief moment we could have been mistaken for a pack of two-dollar whores. But, it was in good fun. I'm making a mental note to myself -- as well as Carrie -- no more sexual dancing WITH EACH OTHER!!!

4. Remember last week when we were mistaken for Hinds Community College students??? Were we really acting that way??? Point made.

5. Who is going to be Jump-Up's guy of the night??? The choices are endless... Word up, Cully, Woody, Chris Smith, Vaiden, oh the list could go on and on... That's fun in its self!!!

6. Who will Conduct make out with??? I bet I don't even have to answer that one for ya'll

7. How many pictures will Em take tonight???

8. Who's gonna kiss Hector tonight??? Conduct or Beyonce??? If I were a betting woman I'd go with neither!

I could do this all day, but I think that since it's sunny I'm about to go lay by the pool so i'll look super goddess bronzed tonight. Get excited Girls!!! It's Ladies Night, BITCHES!!!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

On my weekend off, I've done a little bit of research. According to the newest issue of Cosmo, someone seems to think that men that cheat can't help it. What??? You read that correctly. Cosmo says for most guys that cheating and lying can be an addiction just like one to alcohol, gambling, whatever. I'm sorry, but that is a lame ass excuse. Speaking of excuses, let's just go ahead and re-count some of the ones the bitches have gotten...

1. "I'm hung over and gonna stay home tonight." (And yet you walk into the bar and SURPRISE!!! He's there! Thank god for Advil)

2. "Ben's coming to pick me up and I'm going home." Again, I'm sorry -- I have never seen a girl named Ben until this weekend. Ignorant.

3. "I can't talk too much this weekend." Don't lie to me, ass! I know you are going to see your fiance...

4. " I'm just not fratty enough for you." If I didn't like you, I wouldn't be here...

5. "I've been hurt before and I just don't want to be in a relationship right now." According to "He's Just Not That Into You" that translates to "I don't want to be with YOU" It is a well known fact that every guy on this planet has "that girl" and we are way more wonderful and fulfilling than she ever thought about being

6. "Don't assume the worst about me. How do you know that those pink thongs don't belong to my cousin or something?" I just can't talk about that anymore... but I'm not bitter. Just amused at his lack of intelligence. I guess they could have been Ben's (see excuse #2)

7. "School and work are really hard right now. I think that we need a break." Yeah... a break for you to screw half of the Jackson Metro Area.

8. "My spedometer is broken. I have to stay in town and get it fixed." Really??? Just tell me that you don't want to go out with me. And, FYI, it is really hard to get the flu in NOVEMBER!!!

9. "I really don't want to go out. I'm gonna stay home and watch the football game." That is "boy-speak" for I'm staying home to get blazed.

10. "Yeah, I do have a girlfriend, but she lives in Nashville and we don't really see each other much. It's not going anywhere." Did you really just admit to me that you are okay with cheating? You are a winner.

My reason for bringing all of this up is to teach a very important lesson. If you have the slightest idea that your guy is lying or making shit up, he probably is. Be smart and don't buy it!!! Or, you can tell us and we'll figure it out, because we can find out anything!!!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Status Update... Seems Like the Bitches Have Cleaned Up Their Act!!!

From the desk of Conduct "Super" Becoming...

I just had to take a moment and commend the bitches on this new attitude that we've picked up for 2006!!! Unless I am just completely out of the loop there has been no real drama to report in the past 26 days! I don't think that anyone truly realizes what a big accomplishment that is for this crew. I think that all this is due in part to our new-found sense of responsibility and Community's inspiring challenge to "HE-tox"...

With all that having been said, I wonder just how long we can keep it up??? Here are a few points to ponder over the next few days...

a). The Rodeo is almost here... I think that means trouble for a couple bitches. It is a known fact that Community simply cannot control herself when a bull rider is brought into the picture. And -- might I add that our favorite band is playing at the dance? Does anyone think that Jump-Up might gimp up her other foot this time??? This event is nothing but a disaster waiting to happen

b). When was the last time that Jump-Up and Conduct made the usual Sportsmans/Headgivers Thursday night Free-for-all?? You guessed it -- I think it was back in '05. We all know there is a big one coming at some point!!!

c). That brings me to my next point... When is Jump-Up gonna give in and start going out during the week again??? My bets are on the end of tax season. Anyone want to start a pool on that???

d). It's my weekend off from work -- is it time for Community and myself to sit around in a drunken stupor and make fun of everyone we know??? (i.e. "The Shield", "Blazed, blazed, blazed", et al)

The list could probably go on for a while... but I think I've mentioned enough to get us through Feb!!! Keep it up, girls!! I'm proud!!!

Oh and P.S. -- "Meet the Fockers!!! Final Answer!!!" Ha ha ha

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The Bitches Are Going On HE-Tox

From the desk of Community: The head of morals and standards

The title itself explains our joint resolution. That's right, the bitches are going on HE-Tox. It's a point in life that every girl must go through and this is our year. HE-tox is basically a detox from "Him" whoever your "Him" may be, it's time to void yourself of all of his memories. In order to get the full impact of HE-tox one must limit herself to the calls, texts, and appearances from "him" for a full 60 days. Why Men Love Bitches tells us to completely free our fine selves from this person, but in all reality we know that won't ever happen. But here is to us trying our hardest to stay away from guys like "him" and worry about being the fun, beautiful, cautious girls we have transformed into over the past 21-25 years.

*Guys: SHE-tox works just as well*

Just remember if you ever get stuck in sad mode...pop in "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry and have a laugh on me! Happy HE-toxing!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

A Victorious Resurrection from the Blogging Hiatus

From the desk of Conduct -- now to be referred to as Conduct very Becoming

Well, well, well. The bitches have had quite the year. But, as the elder of this group I have made the executive decision that it is time to behave. We should have all known that NYE was only a disaster waiting to happen. Somewhere between the random escort, eyelash dilemma, and jump-up's stint as a pharmacist we should have put our heads together and determined that we should've just stayed in and drank wine or something a little more tame. But, alas, we went on with the show. It could've been worse than it was, but who am I kidding... I was the one in a warm bed while everyone else was trying to break in the apartment. Again, my sincerest apologies. In the hopes of a fresh start this 2006, I have taken it upon myself to list a few activities that we should NOT engage in... or at least give it a valiant effort!!!

1. As Community stated yesterday, "Stay North of I-20". We should avoid anything other than Madison, Ridgeland, and Jackson like the damn plague. Not that I am the one who has engaged in this kind of activity...

2. No more "riding around". This only leads to false accusations and way too much drama. Especially if you get caught. That sucks.

3. And that brings me to a very important one -- no more looking at cell phones, e-mails, palm pilots, or any other electronic devices. I mean come on... what would Clarice do???

4. No more going out during the week. Weekends only. Well, nevermind that. Jump-up and I could never make that happen!!!

5. What do the Black Eyed Peas and camels have in common??? You know what I mean. It is bad, wrong, and degrading. Stay away from it at all costs.

It's late and that's about all that I can think of right now. I have to go to bed, but I'll complete this list as it comes to me. Stay posted and be good!!!!

P.S. Did ya'll see the 10:00 news??? Yes, jump-up and I were at BWW and saw the fight. We should have been interviewed on TV...

Monday, January 02, 2006

New Year's Eve 2006 (Next year, it's back to Dentville)

From the Desk of Community: The head of Morals and Standards

When the beginning of the night starts out with plans like "Headliner's then Pops" and " My ex boyfriend who cheated on me is coming with us" we should have known we were in for a rude awakening. The bitches decided to get completely decked out to go to Headliner's, after all there is that new bar...The Cheetah Lounge, which is a class act in intself. It actually was fun but then we went to Pops. WHY must we go to this place? If I wanted to hang out with rednecks and have a chance of seeing my piece of shit cheating lying ex boyfriend I should have gone BACK to Dentville, MS where we spent such a great New Year's together last year in the middle of NOWHERE!!! But hey! At least there were clean bathrooms there and people under the age of 50! Again, I say, I am never going back to that hell hole. The sad thing is out of the 5 of us that ended up there...3 were Jackson Prep graduates , 1 was from Copiah Academy, and one from Hilcrest. Didn't these private school educations teach us anything? The night just got worse, but we'll just blame it on Conduct and Shmeston who locked us out of the apartment till 5 am. Thanks again, Conduct! Surely 2006 will end up better than this roller coaster ride of a night that we had. Let's not forget the one's who made an impact on us (mostly bad impacts)...Kelly ( you owe me hundreds of dollars in therapy, asshole), Jeremy (the newlywed soon-to- be dad), Kevin (the nascar- loving ass!!!), Preston (really? whose pink thongs WERE those??) Congratulations girls on a YEAR of winners. Here is to this year being about OURSELVES and not damn boys! Remember our motto..."I don't chase em', I replace em!" Happy New Years, Bitches!