Tuesday, November 08, 2005

CSI Investigation Procedures, Bitches

CSI.net Rules, Bitches on Crime Scene Investigation Procedure, or what we like to call Continuously Stalking Idiots!

Team Leader
Assume control - Take Control of the Scene. (Make sure everyone has a tall boy and plenty of cigarettes, a full tank of gas, and a car that won't stall.)
Conduct initial walk-through for purposes of making a preliminary survey, evaluating potential evidence, and preparing a narrative description. (Are those pink thongs yours? of course they aren't you would never leave them by his bed)
Determine search patterns, and make appropriate assignments for team members. (Make sure he is in the bathroom before going through his phone, OH and make sure you have ample time for the cell light to turn off)
Designate command post location and ensure exchange of information between search and investigative personnel. (Determine which bar would be best to discuss the newest findings)
Coordinate with other law enforcement agencies and make sure a cooperative spirit is maintained. (Make sure you call the cops on his ass if he comes begging you back)
Ensure that sufficient supplies and equipment are available for personnel. (Make sure your cell phone works bitches!)
Continuously reevaluate efficiency of search during entire course of operation. (Wait, they want girls to continuously reevaluate a situation...DONE)
Release the scene after a final survey and inventory of the evidence has been done. (Print out his picture with the words DO NOT DATE THIS MAN on a pretty pink flyer)
Photographer and Photographic Log Recorder (charge the digital cam girls!)
Photograph victims, crowd, and vehicles. (Take a picture of you standing by his car outside HER house)
Photograph major evidence items before they are moved; coordinate this effort with Sketch Preparer, Evidence Recorder, and Evidence Recovery Personnel. (Do it QUICK)
Photograph all latent fingerprints and other impression evidence before lifting and casting are accomplished. (Take a pic of the pink thongs)
Designate and label areas to be searched and advise team leader and all other search members of nomenclature for designated areas.
Obtain appropriate assistance for taking measurements and double check measurements.
Ensure necessary administrative information, such as scale disclaimer (not drawn to scale), is recorded on sketch.
Evidence Recorder/Custodian
Have significant evidence photographed before collection. (Take lots of pics)
Describe evidence and its location on appropriate bag or envelope. (Be sure to call EVERYONE)
Sign and date evidence container/maintain chain of custody. (Sign, sealed, and delivered bitches)
Appropriately collect and package evidence to maximize evidence integrity. ('You weren't there? MY evidence log begs to differ)
Use appropriate protective equipment (gloves) and methods when dealing with potentially infective evidence (blood). (Use gloves to throw away any used condoms)
Specialists
It is sometimes necessary to bring in expertise from an outside agency. (Now you done called up your mamma for some old school tricks) The following list provides examples of specialty assistance to be considered (it is not meant to be completely inclusive):
Anthropologist
Blood Pattern Analyst
Bomb Technician
Criminalist
Engineer
Entomologist
Medical Examiner
Odontologist
Surveyor

1 Comments:

Blogger JumpUp said...

This is why you are the english major of the group! Fabulous - I love it! We should have gotten photo documentation of our latest stalking outing to post to our fabulous blog - Oh well, there will be plenty more photographic opportunities.

7:21 AM  

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